Get a dog?

or have kids?!?!?!?!

If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river. And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river. And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously reading the closing song from the bulletin,

For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: ‘Shall We Gather at the River.’

*1: moderation in action, thought, or feeling : restraint
*2 a: habitual moderation in the indulgence of the appetites or passions b: moderation in or abstinence from the use of alcoholic beverages

“I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.”
– Bill Cosby

Don’t know about you, but this is one of the most perfect statements I have ever heard!!!

“i saw a man with a tat on his big fat belly it wiggled around like marmalade jelly. it took me a while to catch what it said ’cause i had to match the rhythm of his belly with my head.”

Any takers?

“Jesus saves is what it raved in a typical tatoo green. He stood on a box in the middle of the city and he claimed he had a dream!”

Nothing yet?

“There was a man from the desert with knaps in his head the sand that he walked was also his bed. The words that he spoke made the people assume there wasn’t too much left in the upper room.”

Closer?

“With skins on his back and hair on his face they thought he was strange by the locust he ate. You see the pharisees tripped when they heard him speak until the king took the head of this Jesus Freak!”

• 1957 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
• 2007 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

• 1957 – Crowd gathers Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
• 2007 – Police called, SWAT arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class
again.
• 2007 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
• 2007 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy’s sister
  that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

• 1957 – Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
• 2007 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

• 1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
• 2007 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane pain t bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

• 1957 – Ants die.
• 2007 – ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

• 1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
• 2007 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.